theshabbiestofmen | IC Contact;

Then tell them to me.

[He still holds to Remus' shirtfront, his fingers bunched tightly.]

Tell me these ways because I can't fucking think of one that we know is going to work. All we can do is guess, and say, oh, perhaps if we tell him it will all work out--and we don't fucking know that.

Unbreakable Vow.

[He says it before he can really think about it; he blurts it out and then bites his bottom lip.]

But if we do that-- if we do that, he'll never forgive us. I wouldn't.

He'll never forgive us. And that's somehow worse than him giving James' name to Voldemort?

[He laughs, darkly. But it's a thought, certainly. Not the sort of active thought that he wants, but a thought all the same.]

Give me another.

[He shakes his head.]

I don't have any. It's the only other way I can think that's infallible.

[A beat-- and he adds:]

Would you do this to me? If this were me and not him? Only I-- we don't know anything about what happened, about that night. About why he gave it up. We-- James, god, I love him too, Sirius, you know I do, but we can't just turn on Peter like this-- or why wouldn't he betray us, if we were so faithless to him?

I'd do it to anyone.

[And when he says that--low and dark and grim--he means it. Maybe more than he's meant anything. Because it's James. Because there is no one more important than James--even Peter, even Remus--even Sirius himself. There is no one more important and the thought of life without him is so bloody bleak and terrifying that he can't hardly comprehend it, much less let it happen.

But the rest of what Remus says is more rational. He doesn't want to owe Peter anything, he doesn't want to be loyal to someone that's got that potential in him--

But he lets go of Remus at least, shoves his hand over his mouth--and then, finally, he says--]

I can't let it happen. I can't, Remus. Anything I can do to stop it-- I'm stopping it. I don't care.

I know! Do you think I don't understand, Sirius? I know. But I won't let us . . . become something we ought not to.

But what if this is what we're meant to do. What if-- we don't know, Remus, we don't know anything. You said it yourself. So what if we're meant to be here so we can stop it-- like this.

He's the one that came here last. Right?

[But it's a stretch and he knows it; he's half-trying to convince himself.]

Oh, bullshit it is! Why did anyone else come, then? Why all those people we've never really talked to, never passed a second thought-- was it all for us? I don't believe in destiny, Sirius, and neither do you.

Not-- them. I'm not talking about them, I'm not--

[He's not thinking of anyone but James, honestly; the whole world might as well be James. He shoves his hand over his mouth again, rubbing savagely at it.]

If we don't believe in destiny, then what the hell are we doing this for? We have to believe in it a bit--because we know what's going to happen, we know what's going on-- that's fate, isn't it? That's destiny! That's what's coming for us!

No. That's action. That's one version of the future, a version we won't allow to happen. You won't, I won't, and James most certainly won't. It's avoidable, it absolutely is-- but you can't just rush off and kill Peter. That's not the way.

You don't know that.

[He says it between his teeth, low and fierce.]

You don't know that it's just one version. That might be it. You don't know, none of us do. We can only fucking guess. What use is guessing when it's James' life?

And you're willing to stake murder on a guess, then? And what if you kill him and he turns up alive when we go back? Or, worse, what if he doesn't? Are you truly willing to live with murder, the murder of your friend-- or former friend, I should say-- on your conscience?

I already told you, I'd do anything to save James! I don't care-- if it's murder, if it's--

Jesus! None of you understand it! You think you do, but you don't, you're just-- thinking of right now-- [He turns away, shoving his fingers through his hair, a fierce movement.] I saw him! The other you, the older you, I saw him, and things were shit! I lived without James here, for months, and that was bad, but at least he was out there somewhere-- I'd put anything at stake if it means he gets to stay alive!

[His eyes burn again, and he shakes his head.]

As I said: I'm his mate as well. And if you think I-- I don't care about him being killed, about James being killed--

I know you care. I know you do, I'm not-- Christ, Remus, I'm not saying you don't care. I'm saying--

[He turns away again, sharply, shoving his fingers through his hair--and then once more,his mouth drawn.]

Look. You don't understand. You didn't see-- you, the other Remus. I did.

[He stares at him for a few long seconds before rubbing his face.]

Tell me, then.

[He stares over his shoulder at Remus--and then he looks away again, his face closing up. How the hell does he explain this? How the hell does he make sense of this thing that makes very little sense, how does he put into words the look in his eye--and he swallows, hard; he pushes his fingers through his hair--]

He was just-- old. He was really old. But he wasn't. He'd just seen so much that he-- that he seemed old, because he saw nearly everyone die. Or he thought he had, anyways, and then he died, and it's all because-- because James gets betrayed.

It all starts there. And I know he would have wanted us to stop it. However the hell we could, he'd want that, because it would be worth it.

[He listens this time, really listens properly-- it's hard, because he doesn't want to, because he wants Sirius to stop acting like this, he wants everything to go back to normal, he wants to not believe-- but there's something bleak in Sirius' expression now, something he can't quite ignore.]

We can't.

[He says that bleakly, quietly.]

We can't kill him, Sirius. He's our friend. And he's . . . he's blaming himself, he's wracked with guilt-- we'll figure something else out. Anything. But we can't kill him.

[His face tightens up immediately at that; his fingers clench into fists--the last thing he wants to hear about is how sad Peter is, how he ought to feel sorry for him--he doesn't feel sorry for him, he doesn't, he can't let himself--if he does, it all goes to shit, all of it, he has to stay with what he's feeling right now or else he's going to question himself.

And he can't question himself. He knows what it feels like to be without James for a bit. Worse is to think of that forever. Worse is to think that that could happen to him--to them--and so, so bloody soon.]

We can't kill him. And we've got to be friends with him. That's what you're saying, yeah?

I don't think you have to do anything. But I'm not going to-- to throw him to the wolves simply because of something he hasn't yet done. That's not fair and you know it.

But you're going to. You and James. So where does that leave me? Merlin, Remus--

[He sets his teeth together as he turns away yet again, scratching his fingers fiercely through his hair.]

I'm fucking sick of this. All of this, all-- all of it.

I know.

[He sighs.]

I am as well. But we've got to figure it out once and for all. And . . . perhaps it's better we do it now. That we get it over with, instead of just ignoring it.

[He nods, tightly--still looking away from Remus, still with his shoulders held high and his mouth tight. Another beat and he shoves his fingers through his hair again.]

I'm not going to go make nice with him. [I can't; he doesn't add it, but it's true.] I'm keeping away, until we get everything-- sorted.

[He nods. That's probably the best idea. There's some small part of him that wants to keep pushing until Sirius talks further sense; to make him stop blaming this version of Peter and at least be civil-- but he'll take what he can get.]

All right. And-- I'll stay with you. Going between both of you. If you'll have me.

Like I'd be able to stop you.

[He says it gruffly--and he's still not completely over this; all is not completely forgiven, even here--but it's better than it was, it's something, at least. He shoves his hands into his pockets and stares at the floor.]

So that's it, then?

he cares deeply about this as well ok

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