theshabbiestofmen | IC Contact;

[ Normally, James might have followed Remus' eyes, to see what he was using to avoid eye contact and to make him feel less awkward about whatever he's saying, but he can't. Not when the first words out of his mouth are you die, jamie. But it doesn't stop there because it's not just him. Maybe it would have been easier to accept, to understand, if it had. If it had been a you die, and the war ends. That he might have been able to just nod to, laugh off, accept it and walk about because he would have died to save the world. Died saving his friends.

But it doesn't stop. It's a you die and then a Lily dies and Sirius is framed for it and James almost stops him there, because who in their right mind - who even in their wrong mind - would think that Sirius would do that? Could do that? Could do anything like that? But it keeps going, and James has to clench his jaw a little harder with every moment because it can't happen that way. I think he betrayed us and Harry's an orphan which if he had the time, might be more of a problem. If he had more than half a moment to really think about that, about having a son who never gets to know his parents, about having Harry and never getting to see him grow up, never teaching him to fly or taking him to King's Cross or-

we were betrayed.

It's a punch to the gut, and it's a wonder he can still stand because it honestly feels like his knees will give out and he'll go crashing down with the rest of what he's hearing. Betrayed. Betrayed by Peter Pettigrew and it leads to all of this. All of it. And there's a sick feeling in his stomach, like he's going to throw up, because Wormtail is the reason Lily dies. He dies. That Harry grows up to be an orphan and Sirius goes to jail and it's Peter Pettigrew. ]

You're lying. Pete couldn't, he wouldn't...

[ James shakes his head, starting pacing again, because that can't be it. That can't be it. But when he turns back to face Remus, he's looking back up at him. He's looking up at him and he's crying and it's as if it all actually sets in, then. They didn't tell him because that is it. That's his future. He has however long until one of his closest friends betrays him and Lily and somehow Harry survives and Sirius...

Remus wouldn't lie about this, wouldn't joke about it either. He's crying for Merlin's sake, and part of James wants to reach out for him, grip his shoulder and tell him it'll be okay, he'll find a way to make this okay, but he can't. How can he, when he's the one that starts it all? The catalyst. The reason. James' set sets, then. His eyes fall to the space on the floor in front of Remus because he can't look at him. Not now. Not when he came in here so angry and betrayed and- part of James wants to laugh at just that. He came here thinking he was betrayed? ]

So that's it, then. [ There's something twisted about the way the corners of his mouth move up. Like it's supposed to be a smile, but corrupted. Ruined. Wrong. He tries to give a laugh of some kind - even if it'd come out more like a bark - but he can't even do that. The sound won't come. And he's worried that if he meets Remus' eyes again, he won't be able to keep himself from falling apart. ]

How... [ pull yourself together, potter. He takes a breath. ] How long do we have? How long until- [ He takes a breath, reaches up and rubs at his face. How long do we have left before it all goes to complete and utter shit? ]

A year after you have Harry. Maybe two years after we graduate. The dates are-- are muddled, a bit.

[A beat.]

God, James, I'm sorry.

[Sorry for what? For everything, really. For ruining his future, for spoiling it, for giving him this awful weight and prediction-- sorry for making it all come crashing down, sorry for making it so that he'll never have another moment's rest.]

That's-- that's why Sirius was so happy to see you. We all were. Because all we could think about for the past few months was you.

After we- That's next year, Remus. Lily and I've got three years and then it all-

[ He stops, his hands running back into his hair, messing it up just for something to do. Something to keep him occupied from the two extremes of reactions he's deciding on. One being anger, the other being fear. Fear of dying, fear of this being the future. ]

Because I'm as good as dead. Because our lives go to shit because I die. When were you going to tell me? Were you going to tell me? If I hadn't run into- Merlin.

[ i don't want to die. ]

No, you know what. [ he pulls his hands from his hair, suddenly struck with the urge to move. To get out. If his hands are shaking, it'd probably be in Remus' best interest not to mention it. ] Thank you, for telling me. Needed to learn at some point. Now I know.

Sorry to bother you, mate. You can go back to your reading, or studying, or whatever it was you were doing. [ James is just going to...head for the door. ]

James, don't, please don't--

[He jumps up, grabbing his arm.]

I'm sorry, all right, I'm sorry, but don't leave, please don't, I can't lose you too--

It's not your ruddy fault, Remus, stop apologizing!

[ He realizes a second too late that he might have yelled that, and stops. Doesn't pull his arm away from him. ]

You're not going to lose me. Not yet. [ and saying yet makes him feel sick, knowing what happens now. He's losing steam, quickly. ] I just... I don't know.

[He shakes his head weakly, almost helplessly.]

Stay. Please stay.

[ There's a moment where he has to think about it, really think about it, before he sighs. As much as he doesn't want to be here, doesn't want to be anywhere, he can't...he can't leave him like this. ]

Damn it, Moony. [ it's a quick movement, but James just sort of turns back to his friend, grabs him by the shoulders, and pulls him in for a hug. ] Okay. I'll stay.

[Remus is never one for hugs, but now he holds James tightly, burying his face in his shoulder.]

[ None of the Marauders really seem to be one for hugs, except for James. James Potter is a hugger, and he learned very early on to just go for them - usually when it seemed like his friends wanted them the least.

Plus, maybe, he needs it a little, closing his eyes and holding on just as tightly. ]

'M sorry.

[He mumbles that again and doesn't let go.]

For . . . for keeping it from you.

It's-

[ But it's not fine, not really, and James just kind of tightens his hold. ]

I can understand why you did it, but you don't have to keep things from me. I can handle just as much as you and Sirius, and whatever made you think I'd be better off not knowing... It's mental. You don't have to protect me from anything. Okay?

I know.

[He pulls back, but just far enough to see his face.]

You have to understand-- we weren't doing it because we thought you were weak, or couldn't handle it. We didn't tell you because we just-- we wanted things to be normal for all of us, for just a while.

Normal? On a spaceship. With crazy monsters and time turning abilities. Yeah, definitely what'd I call normal.

[ have a look, Remus, because that's hilarious. ]

[He risks half a smile.]

Well. My mother always used to say that she never trusted anything was normal after she found out magic was real. I've rather taken that route when it comes to this ship.

[ And he will get a half smile in return. ]

You know, I never much liked normal.

Well, good, then.

[Finally he pulls back, wiping at his cheeks distractedly.]

Ah-- are we . . . I mean-- are we all right, then?

[ He can't help but sigh a little, still a little shaken up himself. ]

Course we're all right.

[ A pause, and then: ]

Thanks for telling me. I know it wasn't-- [ He pauses, before shrugging. ] Just, thanks.

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BECAUSE IT'S GAY JAMES

YOU SAY, TO THE STRAIGHTEST ONE OUT OF THE LOT

LOOK I'M JUST SAYING

WHATEVS, MAN. HE'S COMFORTABLE WITH HIS SEXUALITY

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